well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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