The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
