You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
