brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
