i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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