my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
