Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
