soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
