i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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