no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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