Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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