don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
