College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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