It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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