So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
FUCK WHALES
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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