remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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