So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
