does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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