I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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