I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
