Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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