oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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