Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
