in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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