at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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