I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
