I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
