I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
