We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
