Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
