I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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