Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
