got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
