my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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