She said her name was "party"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
