last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
