i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
