the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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