getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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