Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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