I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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