How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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