You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
