Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
