OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
