i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
