Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
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SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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