I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
