im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
