is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
