They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
