I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
people are starting to question the shark bite story
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
