I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He better not be in your backpack
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
