Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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