pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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