What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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